still going

I’ve been hella depressed and messed up since I was 17. I’ve been through a lot- it taught me, made me different than everyone else around me. I’m just not like them. “Like a river that don’t know where it’s flowin, I took a wrong turn and I just kept goin”

I haven’t accomplished much except survive whats happened to me. Life, and my own shitheadedness have cost me a lot. I’ve been so stupid, I’ve been smart a few times too. Turned away, backed off when I knew I should. God diverted me from worse many times. Every time, really.

I haven’t accomplished much, I know, but im trying. I’m writing a bit, smoldering, learning from life. I think I focus too much on the negative, I blow things up. So I make mountains out of molehills. I should be skipping around, but I’m always tripping. I am so lame anymore. I don’t read or draw. No friends, no church. I don’t watch cool anime or explore cinema. I don’t go on hikes or cook. I work, and sit around bummed out. I trip out about work and church and things that happened to me.

It’s like I need to try a crazy experiment. Show up on time to work, you know be there and do it, but focus on your writing and health. Like fuck work, do your writing first. Have that be the focus, the whole point. Spend money if you have to. If you get done early, awesome. Get to start writing sooner.

I’m not down about any of this. I just have to be real. And, also, I can’t let this be the end. Like John Vega was a kid with potential, but life got hard, he fucked up and struggled and a lot of time went by. Then, he was 39 and…what? He killed himself? Went trans? Gave up and disappeared completely? Stayed mediocre? Went to jail? Like, what do you want the end to be?